Help Me Believe

What's wrong?
Nothing.
Actually, I don't know. I wish I knew and when I know I promise you will be the first to hear it.
I feel a heaviness in my chest that hasn't been there in a while.
It makes me want to run away from everyone and myself. Be alone to breathe and not think.
I feel as if I have made myself an enemy.
Why is it that people trust me more when I am fake? I have just recently become more selfish (Is that what I did wrong?) I have stopped putting up with things and pretending I don't mind that it upsets me.
Has it come to a point that I seem obviously selfish? Only willing to participate if I can gain from it?
I stopped talking to him because I was tired of the guilt but maybe I was exaggerating everything. Maybe guilt is just part of some relationships, maybe my self destruction with it is just part of how its supposed to be.

I want to be perfect.

Surprise! You're on Clueless Camera!

I had a brief relapse of my bad TV show obsession with the discovery of all of the Tool Academy 2 episodes. Seems like reality television (aside from Extreme Home Makeover) still refuses to raise their standards. It probably has something to do with the fact that people still watch the crap they chose to put on there... myself included.
Anyways, Tool Academy 2 was the saddest display of relationships...and people in general that I have gotten a chance to see in a while. Mainly because the women are actually dreaming of marrying and spending the rest of their lives with these douche bags, before they get reformed and refurbished at the academy. Seriously, what about marrying the guy who treats you like a 10$ hooker who does his laundry seems like a good idea?
"Hmm... I feel objectified, neglected, insulted and abused.... I should do this for the rest of my life!"
These people need one of two things:
1. Intensive psychotherapy
2. Be denied the ability to reproduce
I know what you are probably thinking, why are you watching crappy television? shouldn't you be studying or something? Since after all that's what college is all about.
Well... I am studying... not as much as I should probably since I didn't do so hot on my statistics test, but I am hoping to bring that grade up next time since my crappy television spree is now over.
In semi-related news, I am going to be doing summer school in Houston. I am pretty excited sans the fact that I will have to do some driving, I haven't driven in forever and still feel really nervous about it... having nightmares of car crashes doesn't help in the slightest.
Speaking of nightmares, I had an apocalypse one. Not very cool since 1. I wasn't with the people I would wanna be for the end of the world and 2. i was driving! It's dumb really.
I am back in the dorms for next year, not too excited about the idea but I will survive... still going to miss a kitchen but I'll figure something out. Can't wait to see who my roommate will be.
Tray and Rephil got married yesterday (by the state not the church) and I am very happy for them, they were both glowing afterward yesterday.
I've been feeling really good lately, a "meh" day now and then but overall good. I am not over thinking everything as much and my OCD hasn't gone crazy in quite a long time, its awesome really.
Now, I must go finish the latest episode of LOST (I said I was done with crappy television... not all television)
Peace out!

p.s.- I love you <3

And on the seventh day...

First week back from winter break, it feels good to be home :)
I am taking full advantage of the fact that its syllabus week and being as social as possible while still staying on top of things. Its weird that this semester my motivation for getting all my work done seems to be stricly so I can have the social weekends I love. Not exactly what most people use as motivation but hey....you gotta do what you gotta do.
I think I am going to enjoy my classes this semester, the profesors seem nice (except for the water excercise instructor oddly enough, she seems a bit harsh). My sociology teach seems like an awesome guy (besides the fact that he's a trekkie) he curses in class all the time and encourages a lot of class participation, I even stayed after and talked to him, wohoo....I make friends with old people.
I am so proud of myself that I saved around $300 on books by 1.buying used online and 2.checking out older editions from the library (once my profesors said it was a-ok) because seriously $140 for a water exercise book is complete and total bullshit....you hear that? bullshit.
One thing I am sure I will be doing a lot of this semester is reading, it seems that all of my classes (excluding stat and watercise) require at least an hour of reading before each class, I guess this is the semester to put my reading skills to the test...and speaking of which I should be reading for English at the moment... since its due tomorrow and all.

Aggiecon is closer and closer and I am freaking out about the Rocky performance. I have never been one to have stage fright/shyness in any way... but then again I have never worn that little amount of clothing in front of a crowd before O_O hopefully I will be able to suck it up and have an enjoyable weekend... which I am sure I will.

Anyways, heading back to Houston next weekend to get some food and the stuff I forgot.

Counting The Days

I am so ready for this next semester to start :) with my resolutions to lose weight and remember every night then I think it should prove to be amazing.
I have no meal plan so I will be very on my own as far as food goes. That way I get to see which option is better for next year wohoo!
No more meal plan talk.
Anyways, just got back from Vegas, got a ridiculous amount of pictures and stuff :), it was really awesome, more so than I expected it to be. I saw The Lion King, David Copperfield (hilarious btw) and "KA" by Crique du Solei. I really hope to go back someday.
The creative writing juices are just not really flowing tonight so this is gonna be annoyingly short.
Can't wait to be back home in CS :D

Dashing Through The Smog

Merry Christmas!
Still in Houston, crazy sick, but at least I can breathe today!
Family Christmas went well, my uncle wasn't a complete douche...after I told him to stop being a douche :) because seriously, if he is mean to my mommy one more time I am going to punch him in the face, I don't care if his kids and wife are watching, he needs to learn.
Anyways, I got a new purse (that my cousin really enjoyed tearing the gift wrapping off of). The rest of my Christmas gifts happened before or after Christmas, this includes my phone and my new boots, and ofcourse Vegas. On that note, I should start packing, we leave in less than a week.
and then its back to College Station, I am hoping to get dropped off either Friday night or Saturday morning. That'll give me some free time before classes start to find where my classes are and whatnot.
Anyways, short post today...party

'Tis The Season

First week back home and I am already missing CS, weird considering how homesick I usually find myself. I love Houston to death, but honestly, I really don't love being ignored unless something needs to get done, or not having a room, or living out of a trash bag.
Now I just sound whinny... lets try to turn the attitude on a more positive direction.
Got some really nice new jeans, which is awesome because mine were getting worn out, along with new thermal shirts.
Here's the catch, I have to lose my 15 in order to properly fit into them.
On that note, I am definitely eating less but it might balance out with the fact that I am also doing less. Granted, I am not watching any TV since it just kind of annoys me now, but there is really very little to do when all computers and game consoles are being held hostage by my male family members. I think that the fact that they have a penis gives them supreme authority over those things. So I clean a lot and shower and do my nails....and then walk around the house or nap.
Gripping really.
Also, I can't go out with friends too much lest I want my mother to get mad at me, for not actively spending more time with my family.
Sorry, its hard to when they have their own thing going on.
Now I just got negative again gosh darn it.
I want to bake something.
Went to visit Westchester today, good thing I got out of there because it is slowly turning really really lame. Class of 2010 is a total disappointment in the Westchester spirit. Not because they are over-achievers, I was one of those myself, but because they are rude and snobby about it. Seriously, I don't care if you are getting two more points on your IB tests than I am, I got my diploma bitches.
Teachers seem to be doing well, I was upset that I didn't get to see Shearer, I miss him and would hate for him to think I have forgotten him. Halos wants my money and, as usual, Companys wants me to be her daughter instead of her actual daughter (I don't blame her).
Finally received the paper copy of my IB Diploma, after 6 months lol.

This being around the house makes me think too much and worry too much for my own good.

Blog Fail?

So in planning for next semester I have actually written down "Blog" on my agenda because I am pretty disappointed at the fact that I have not kept up with what is supposed to be a record of my freshman year.
Well, there's an entire semester to document and I intend to do just that.
What I learned this semester:
-It sucks to have to do your dishes in the same place you brush your teeth, next year= off campus
-That whole freedom thing? yeah, quite true and quite dangerous, being able to do whatever I want may not be the best thing
-Small little assignments count
-SI sessions are heaven-sent
-My agenda is my best friend
-Sipping is good



And the bottom line is, this first semester has been about learning a lot outside of the classroom; learning about myself, about other people....about myself WITH other people lol

Someone told me "Remember the past. Live in the present. Plan for the future"
It makes sense, I like it but the task of applying it seems a little harder for me since I constantly think of the future and can't let go of the past, the present always seems to zoom by me...sometimes smacking me in the face because I wasn't paying attention to it.
I feel like laying in the grass for endless periods of time, figuring things out but not dealing with them. I feel like I stumbled and am slowly on the way of getting back up.
But what if I just wanna hang around stumbled for a little while? Just to get some rest and to clear my thoughts?

p.s.- I need to lose the freshman fifteen...starting now :)