Dashing Through The Smog

Merry Christmas!
Still in Houston, crazy sick, but at least I can breathe today!
Family Christmas went well, my uncle wasn't a complete douche...after I told him to stop being a douche :) because seriously, if he is mean to my mommy one more time I am going to punch him in the face, I don't care if his kids and wife are watching, he needs to learn.
Anyways, I got a new purse (that my cousin really enjoyed tearing the gift wrapping off of). The rest of my Christmas gifts happened before or after Christmas, this includes my phone and my new boots, and ofcourse Vegas. On that note, I should start packing, we leave in less than a week.
and then its back to College Station, I am hoping to get dropped off either Friday night or Saturday morning. That'll give me some free time before classes start to find where my classes are and whatnot.
Anyways, short post today...party

'Tis The Season

First week back home and I am already missing CS, weird considering how homesick I usually find myself. I love Houston to death, but honestly, I really don't love being ignored unless something needs to get done, or not having a room, or living out of a trash bag.
Now I just sound whinny... lets try to turn the attitude on a more positive direction.
Got some really nice new jeans, which is awesome because mine were getting worn out, along with new thermal shirts.
Here's the catch, I have to lose my 15 in order to properly fit into them.
On that note, I am definitely eating less but it might balance out with the fact that I am also doing less. Granted, I am not watching any TV since it just kind of annoys me now, but there is really very little to do when all computers and game consoles are being held hostage by my male family members. I think that the fact that they have a penis gives them supreme authority over those things. So I clean a lot and shower and do my nails....and then walk around the house or nap.
Gripping really.
Also, I can't go out with friends too much lest I want my mother to get mad at me, for not actively spending more time with my family.
Sorry, its hard to when they have their own thing going on.
Now I just got negative again gosh darn it.
I want to bake something.
Went to visit Westchester today, good thing I got out of there because it is slowly turning really really lame. Class of 2010 is a total disappointment in the Westchester spirit. Not because they are over-achievers, I was one of those myself, but because they are rude and snobby about it. Seriously, I don't care if you are getting two more points on your IB tests than I am, I got my diploma bitches.
Teachers seem to be doing well, I was upset that I didn't get to see Shearer, I miss him and would hate for him to think I have forgotten him. Halos wants my money and, as usual, Companys wants me to be her daughter instead of her actual daughter (I don't blame her).
Finally received the paper copy of my IB Diploma, after 6 months lol.

This being around the house makes me think too much and worry too much for my own good.

Blog Fail?

So in planning for next semester I have actually written down "Blog" on my agenda because I am pretty disappointed at the fact that I have not kept up with what is supposed to be a record of my freshman year.
Well, there's an entire semester to document and I intend to do just that.
What I learned this semester:
-It sucks to have to do your dishes in the same place you brush your teeth, next year= off campus
-That whole freedom thing? yeah, quite true and quite dangerous, being able to do whatever I want may not be the best thing
-Small little assignments count
-SI sessions are heaven-sent
-My agenda is my best friend
-Sipping is good



And the bottom line is, this first semester has been about learning a lot outside of the classroom; learning about myself, about other people....about myself WITH other people lol

Someone told me "Remember the past. Live in the present. Plan for the future"
It makes sense, I like it but the task of applying it seems a little harder for me since I constantly think of the future and can't let go of the past, the present always seems to zoom by me...sometimes smacking me in the face because I wasn't paying attention to it.
I feel like laying in the grass for endless periods of time, figuring things out but not dealing with them. I feel like I stumbled and am slowly on the way of getting back up.
But what if I just wanna hang around stumbled for a little while? Just to get some rest and to clear my thoughts?

p.s.- I need to lose the freshman fifteen...starting now :)

Its nine o'clock on a saturday

Life [lahyvz]
noun, plural lives.
-the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

Is this life? Just the scientific biological processes that the body goes through internally?
Not human life. Not my life.
This is so much more, it has to be. What is it though?
I work on a definition daily and I think it's that feeling that rushes into your stomach and spills out in a smile or a laugh and reaches upward filling your world with its energy. This is my time to experience life in a new way, not just to live it.
So I cherish those nights that bring me closer to strangers and surprise me and give me hope in humanity. I will dance on pool tables and hold hands with a handsome boy because I can and I want to.
They surprised me, why didn't they just leave me to my mistakes? to suffer the consequences of my actions? Why do they care? Who am I that they would?
I still can't grasp it, the idea, its too overwhelming and too beautiful... it has to be fake, right?

Roadblock

Test week is next week :(, more importantly, CHEMISTRY TEST is next week.
Blergh >.< I hope I don't toally bomb it, that would prove to be dissapointing.
I am however, keeping up with all of my homeowork (would it be called dormwork?) and quizzes so that will hopefully help my grade out at the end of the semester.
My lessons for this week:
On that "to-do" list everyone tells you to make because it's so helpful, remember to put "sleep" on it. Seriously, for the first time in my life I am having to remind myself to re-charge the batteries. I was actually ridiculously proud of myself when I made the decision to hit the hay early (which means around 9-10pm) and wake up early to work on my chemistry before class. It was probably the best sleep I have gotten in a long time and I ended up waking up around 7:30am... since I dont have class until noon, that gave me plenty of time to finish up somethings.
On that note, lesson number two, the whole prioritizing thing people wont shut up about on those "how-to do college" books, it's totally true. However, I do think it would be best if they said to find a personal reason to prioritize and get your schoolwork done... mine just happens to be partying (Terrible, I know...but it works) I make a deal with myself on how much I have to get done with by friday night in order to do the social thing on the weekends.
Surprise surprise, it worked. I got my stuff done and now I can relax and enjoy that whole social part of college... which by the way is amazing.
More on that later.

Is This Thing On?

First official week of class and so far I feel small O_O mainly because of the huge number of people on campus. My classes are better though, I only have two gigantic ones, and in that case, it's actually a good thing. Avoidance is easier in large groups.
Any which way, my daily uniform has consisted of running shorts (I don't even run) and a t-shirt, not my usual atire and honestly not what I feel like myself in. However, class is class, I am there to learn, not to meet people or, sadly, feel like myself. Plus the lack of getting ready in the morning gives me about half an hour more to sleep.... sleep will always be above grooming on my list of priorities.
I have been working on my chemistry homework, the only thing I can really work on at this time mainly because I don't want to get more work and have that assignment looming in the back of my head like a dark cloud of confusing terms and ridiculous number rules. I am trying to like it, I swear. I know that with all the chemistry I am going to have to do in the future, the subject better become my best friend...fast.
Speaking of chemistry, I met a guy in my chem class from California, really random to find someone from Cali here so it was interesting. Just comes to show that there is really no telling who you will meet in college.
My walk to chem class was also pretty eventful. I saw a squirrel (yes, you read right) that was like pulling ninja skills on this group of people eating chips, it was impressive really. I also saw a guy preaching in the middle of a plaza with a large sign saying "YE MUST BE SAVED". I was actually worried about him since it looked like he had been out there for quite a while, I would have offered to buy him something but that would have made me late to class.
In other news, I am really enjoying my Psychology class and I think it's because I have a great teacher who makes it interesting and entertaining. However, I don't see myself converting to a PSYCH major any time soon. I think I am behind on one class but plan to come prepared for next week. Feeling unprepared is the worst feeling in the entire universe and I hope to never experience it again.
My roommate is out for the weekend and so I am left alone in my dorm room with very little to do but watch movies, read and do chem homework.... which is really perfectly fine.
I think I have made myself stand out to most of my teacher's so far, I do not want to become a number, a student they don't ever see until finals roll around and they are in desperate need of help... I think I have 2 teacher's I still have to work on.
I went dancing last night and really enjoyed myself, but really wish I had not been acting so high school and by that I mean reserved and insecure. I felt so crummy, there is just no room for that now that I am in college, there is no room for that for the rest of my life.
I had a crush and now I do believe it has extinguished which is all for the better. I want to have fun and do my own thing and get my stuff done so I can keep moving on. I have to remind myself that, unlike a lot of women who enter college, I am not here husband-hunting... no matter how much more atractive a guy becomes once I hear they are studying engineering.

First Full Day Sans The Classes

Move-in yesterday as amazingly not stressful or crazy like I thought it would be. It did take a long time but it wasn't really had. I think the fact that I packed my stuff in many smaller boxes was better than only having a couple huge ass boxes. I moved in pretty quickly and got my books. Unpacking and organizing took a little longer but it got it all done and now my dorm feels as homey as it gets.
Roomie is nice, no horror stories here, nothing crazy or out of the ordinary to tell. I think I am very lucky considering I know people that are dealing with having their apartments be party central (with an increased possibility of someone puking on the couch)and drunken roommates coming in at ungoodnessly hours of the night.
Speaking of which, I came in at 2am last night.
There were people walking like on the street just outside my dorm just wearing over sized t-shirts, it seriously looked like the had no pants on. It was slightly creepy and definitely odd.
Anyways, so today was the first morning I woke up as a college student on campus. I walked around finding the buildings where my classes are gonna be located. It was pretty ridiculous. I took like 45 minutes getting to a building that is 15 minutes away from my dorm. Hopefully I will get used to it. I had lunch in the cafeteria for the first time (The line set-up was, by the way completely dysfunctional!). The food was mediocre but not something I would want to repeat more than once or twice a week. Tomorrow I'll go to another place since tonight I am getting free food.
I expected this week for campus to be overflowing with people and activities and stuff but really most of these events are pretty small... well smaller than I imagined. I think the one tonight might be bigger though, since it's primary function is to feed college students free food.
I also went to wal-mart... nothing much to tell there.... I just for some odd reason forgot to pack soap and laundry detergent, I am also thinking I might need dish washing soap at one point.
Anyways, first day of classes is on Monday, I am pretty nervous. I've been doing some pre-reading but I'm so scared of not being prepared.

Dipping My Toes In The Water

It's not letholigica.....
It's that Fish Camp was truly indescribable.
I honestly have to say that I was scared out of my mind and ridiculously nervous, mainly fearing that I wouldn't fit in. I walked in there with my guard up, telling myself that none of the people surrounding me would want to see the real me because they have never dealt with the shit I have.
That is a fault of mine that I know I need to work on.
I always assume people are just unable to understand me because they haven't lived what I have lived.
Either which way, fish camp broke that barrier. It was so strange and relieving to be totally open in front of pretty much complete strangers. I might have been more open with them then I have been in the past in front of those closest to me. There were so many experiences that where shared and I learned that it is not strange or odd to have crap to deal with on a daily basis.
Sure, I still felt weird, there was the lingering hesitation in the back of my head that never failed to remind me that rejection was a possibility.
There were moments when I felt it, a weird unity that is often mentioned, and I got goosebumps in my arms. Indescribable camaraderie apparently will do that to you, the feeling of knowing you are not alone and the fear of accepting that.
I met many cool people, got compliments on my hat and did not feel brainwashed at the end of it all, exhausted maybe, but not brain washed.
I wish I had packed another pair of sneakers and participated more openly in the special events though.
So bottom line, fish camp transmitted indescribable feelings and overall it got me super excited.
Move-in is on Sunday and I am not done packing :( so I need all the time I can get. However, I just want to jump into it and get over it, take the dive into the fish pond.

Side note: Coming from a very small class with a small selection of attractive guys, fish camp was like O_O, yeah that was pretty much my face. So much eye candy....it was great really... now I feel like a creeper

Sex Doesn't Guarantee Wisdom

I was a bible study a couple of weeks ago and something that the leader said really stood out to me
"Age doesn't guarantee wisdom"
It just made so much sense. I wrote it down, and stored it in my mind.
I wish people could realize that sex doesn't guarantee wisdom either.
I hate how people think that sex will open up all this knowledge of life to you and somehow transform you into a mature, real, human being. Am I the only one who thinks this is absolute madness?? How is having sex supposed to affect you as a person in completely unrelated ways? How much more are you really going to know after it happens? It's not like afterward, every life question is answered and you finally know everything. Sure you will experience new things physically and emotionally but they really don't go outside the the category of sex and human interaction.
I guess the reason why I am bringing this up is because as soon as anyone hears I am a virgin, they instantly assume I am pure and innocent and naive or some shit like that. I am not stupid or prude, I am perfectly aware of what sex is and I like that I have chosen not to have it at this point in my life! Seriously people, I like to drink my weight in vodka yet being a virgin makes me angelic? wtf???
Why does the fact that I have never done it effect people's opinions of me? I have been told that I am a generally nice person, I've also been called sweet, but I like to think that it is because that is just who I am and that those opinions wouldn't change if I wasn't a virgin.
Also, the fact that I am a virgin doesn't mean that I am dumb enough to believe everything a guy tells me, I know the kinds of things they will say to get in my pants. Just because they haven't succeeded in doing so doesn't mean they haven't tried.
Is it weird of me to think that virgins can be just as guy-savvy as non-virgins? is that just idealistic thinking?
On another note, how come girls seem to segregate and judge each other based on the virgin thing? why does that have to matter so much? Sometimes I feel like virgins think that non-virgins are sluts (regardless of the number of partners or sexual encounters) and non-virgins think that virgins are little girls.
Doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

Sign Here

I recently returned from freshman orientation and it was quite a shock. Going from a class of 117 to one of 8,100+ students is kind of shocking. Being around all these people that I am probably never going to see again yet am going to be attending college with was really odd.
I guess this is what real schools feel like.
I didn't really make any friends, just introduced myself to the guy sitting next to me and joked about The Office. I also didnt go to the freshman-exclusive activities like Yell Practice, mainly because I saw no real point in it and ditching it to get some real food seemed like a better idea.
I'm also all signed up for classes. I'm tempted to feel bad about doing the minimum 12 hours but, why should i? I need to make the transition into college as smooth as possible and being overwhelmed with work wouldn't help that.
In some cool news, I am taking a yoga class :D
Something that I really enjoyed about the "real school"aspect is that I have the freedom to be picky with whom I talk to. Being in a small high school made communication almost forced since there wasn't much to pick from. Not saying that I don't love the people I met, because I do, but I felt so good knowing that if I chose not to hang out with someone (for whatever reason) there were more than 30,000 other people to go and meet. Somewhere in that pool I am sure to find peeps. There were students sitting next to me at dinner, some throwing food at each other (isn't graduating from elementary school a college requirement??), some flirting in lala land, and some being quiet loners. I honestly didn't feel comfortable, even as I forced small talk. It took me some time to realize that I didn't HAVE to sit with these people and so I stood up, grabbed my empty tray (the food was grody), put it away, and walked out.
It felt oddly great.
Anyways, even if I have to spend sometime alone, I love the ability to chose.
In other news, the packing process has commenced, we already filled up one suitcase and housing assignments get mailed out on Monday.

Define Peace

I am worried about leaving next year, being out on my own, not being here to take care of everything.
I realized today that as mom takes over the role of dad in my little family, I have shifted into role of mom. I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, I know that I help mantain the peace of my household through my daily care-taker duties.
On another, I hold a certain anger against it because I, simply, am not a mom.
This just isn't my role.
I'm not saying that I'll never have children, because I do want them.
But, at this point in my life, I have not done anything to be put into the mom mold.

If I am away in college next year, who will keep everything and everyone together? Who will come to the rescue when I can't?

What if something were to happen while I am up there? I would feel so powerless knowing that it must be handled without me.

Follow Who

I am about to dive into a rabbit hole I have never swam in before.
I hope the water is clean, I hope my new environment can sustain life.
I will become a fish in the Aggie Wonderland that promises to be full of tea parties and charming cats.
But behind that grin lies the unknown.
I am scared.